This is a stressful day that I can't get a hold of. I need to calm down, stop obsessing over the little things like the phone call that DID NOT come yesterday. I waited all day, hurried to town to pay the taxes. No phone call, no email, nothing. I am going to shower, get dressed and then drive that long drive to Brighton, and take my sister to the U of M Cancer Center to meet the new doctor. Maybe this time it will be the time that kills that damn cancer forever. I need to stop obsessing over that as well.
So, I have a lot of stress: the stress of that no phone call, the cancer treatments coming again just as I will start a new job, starting a new job and the every day stress of life - I need to stop the worrying, that's what my husband, my friend, my soul mate says - let it be. It is what it is. I need to let someone else help with the doctor visits, the driving back and forth, the remembering phone calls to take the pills, the fifteen times a day calls to make sure everything is all right - that's what my son S says. St says let the other sister do it, or her sons - they need to help some. But, I still feel responsible, I am the responsible one...
How do you stop being the 'caregiver', the responsible one, the nurse, the one that does it? I can't just cut it off, and when no one is there to step up to do it, I can't let her be on her own, so how do I do this? I can't let her be on her own. She is my sister. If I did let her be totally dependent on me, that's on me. But, she got through the first horrible year of radiation treatments (chemo not so bad). She got through last years horrible chemo treatments (radiation not so bad). Now, she is looking at both again, and she doesn't want to. Literally is deciding whether she is going to do it again. Like maybe she won't do it.
I'm a nurse. I'm her sister. I promised to help her, to be there, to get her through this, and more important - to tell her if and when to stop. Now is not the time. And she is deciding whether to stop on her own. I know what will happen, not right away, but it will. I don't want that to happen, I can't do that. I feel guilty and I know it is not MY fault, my decision, not my decision - but I hate it. I still feel guilty, feel responsible, and don't want it to happen. They say denial, then blame, then promising to..., then acceptance - but she did the two years of denial, and this year, she went straight into blame - blaming the doctors for doing it wrong. Giving her the wrong treatments, that's why the cancer is back. And me, for telling her to do the treatments in the first place. See the guilt? It's the truth. I did tell her to do the treatments. And it did come back. But, she doesn't hear the part that Cancer doesn't read or pay attention to the rules...
So, this morning, I am snuggling my puppy Boomer, rubbing my Gracie with my feet and watching Criminal Minds - maybe I can get some reasoning, some thoughts, some strength to get through the other part of the day. I will listen, I will not tell my sister what to think, do, or decide. I will let her decide and accept what ever she decides - and then I will cry all the way home...
I do not want to do any of this today, but I will. For my sister...
D M Wiseman, a sister, a nurse, and an author, not necessarily in that order today...
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